Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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