Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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