Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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