I think I won the penis lottery.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
