i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize