So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
