Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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