My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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