you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I lost the right to judge tonight
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
