I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
