the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
