if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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