break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
