Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
