He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
