I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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