so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i drank out of a bidet.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
