I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
