I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
