I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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