I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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