At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
