Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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