??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
