you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
