If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
