don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize