You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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