I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
