but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
