4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
