I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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