It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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