question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
