U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
