the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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