saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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