Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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