we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
