The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
