I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
