If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
just found out that she named her cat after me.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
