even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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