my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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