just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Randomize
