Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Are we still banned from the library?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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