I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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