I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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