apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
