I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
