WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
