i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
