I cannot find my penis.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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