we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
i already hear my dad disowning me
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
It was like giving head to a cactus.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
