So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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