You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
