Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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