I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
