Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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