i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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